When you just can't be selfish anymore,

 

What if things proceed the way they are?  What's going to happen to me?  My dreams?  My hopes?  My future career?  My life?  My everything?  Will the November milestone do me any good?  :')

Allah is always fair, no doubt.

 

English .

 
 
OH their English~!  Feels like screaming at top of my lungs at 3 in the morning.  Bulls.  Simply and obviously technocrat fools.  Learn before you act so big.

The non-existent .

What's the use of explaining yourself to someone who wouldn't listen and always want to win?  I rest my case dear friend  :)

 

Jujur .

Jujur aku belum bersedia untuk melangkah ke alam perkahwinan.

Banyak mazmumah dari mahmudah nya diri aku ni.

Sering aku berkira-kira mahu kah untuk teruskan.

Atau biarkan hubungan kami terus begini.

Biarpun peramah aku tahu aku seorang yang pemarah.

Cepat melenting orang sekeliling pun pening.

Menerima sindiran bukan sesuatu yang mudah.

Mula lah senyuman pun jadi kering.

Tak tahu nasihat siapa dan dari segi apa yang aku perlukan.  Aku sendiri sedar kalau sikap ni berterusan rumahtangga yang bakal aku bina dengan yang tersayang akan mudah goyah.  Cuma aku percaya aku berhak untuk berperasaan tidak puas hati terhadap sesetangah perkara yang mereka aturkan.  Perkara yang mudah banyak jadi payah.  

Aku berperang dengan diri sendiri.  Konflik dan keadaan aku, sedikit sebanyak mengganggu emosi aku.  Perkara ni seakan jadi beban untuk aku bahagikan masa antara elemen-elemen penentu masa depan; pelajaran dan tanggungjawab sebagai seorang isteri.  Menipu seandainya aku katakan yang aku yakin aku betul-betul mampu.

Dan aku tak mahu mula dari segi pengetahuan agama dan pemakaianku.  Ya Allah, berikanlah aku petunjukMu.


Ps.  Aku tak hadap duit orang yang rasa bagus dan tak reti hormat orang lain.  Thanks, but no . .  no thanks ! (serius takda kaitan)

Dia .

 

Aku rindu dia.

Aku ingat lagi setiap kali aku lihat gambarnya,

aku tertawa,

rambutnya . . .

Persis gulungan rambut palsu tuan hakim.

Aku rindu dia.

Impian?

Apa yang kau akan buat kalau pasangan kau constantly merendah-rendahkan tampak fizikal kau sampai kau rasa cukup meluat dan hilang keyakinan diri, bagi tekanan perasaan kepada kau berkenaan saiz badan kau yang besar sampai kau percaya dia sebenarnya tak dapat terima diri kau seadanya? 

Cabut lari?  Angkat kaki?  Terus pergi?

On time? What's that? Bull!

 

Kalau kau rasa tekanan kenal orang yang tak reti menepati masa, 

kau patut bercinta dengan boyfriend aku.

Boleh bunuh diri menunggu  (hiperbola).

  

 

Petanda.

 

Nangis banyak pun tak guna.

Kerja lagi banyak, jangan hilang fokus ya!

Dia dah tak nak, jangan ngada-ngada.

Biarkan saja pergi, kalau itu hendaknya.

Ps.  Mata aku ada kutu babi.  Serius

  

 

Mari bercerita .

   
Orang malas memang macam ni.  Walaupun esok ada 2 ujian, 1 kuiz, dan 1 pembentangan, diri masih tegar melayari internet dengan penuh bangga.  Markah tak seberapa baru tahu nak mengadu kat bunda -____-"


Takpa la, sikit-sikit saja ni.  Sikit saja nak cerita.  Marilah, marilah bacaaaa *hasut*


Aku baru praktikal dalaman itu hari kat ULPKP (sila rujuk nama penuh pada previous post) selama 3 hari.  Hari terakhir baru diberikan sedikit tugasan menaip.  Kebanyakan masa aku guna untuk layan 9gag dan membuat nota *ehem* .  Mari mari, mari tengok gambar orang gedik :D

Kenapa hari kedua tiada gambar sesetengah daripada anda mungkin bertanya (some of you may ask) ?  Hari kedua praktikal aku jatuh pada hari Khamis, 17 November 2011 di mana pada tarikh tersebut aku dan rakan-rakan telah ditugaskan untuk mengendalikan satu acara explorace yang diberi nama Envi-Hunt.  Maka, sepanjang hari pada tarikh tersebut aku tak dapat punch card masuk pejabat lah.  Pfftt.  Mana ada kena punch card pun >.<


Cerita seterusnya:
Mari ikuti sesi balasan SMS aku bersama abang dan kakak tersayang :')  *sob sob*

Ahad, 20/11/11, 10:06 pagi  (AKU)

"Kt shh alm?  Anta gmbr aisyah plz.  Boring laaaa prktikal kt ofis ni"

Ahad, 20/11/11, 11:27 pagi  (UDA)

"Sori x bls.aisyh tdo.gmba latest"

Ahad, 20/11/11, 11:28 pagi  (AKU)

"Fuiyo muka bdk bijak!  K thanks, hehe"

*dalam hati, menangissss*

Isnin, 21/11/11, 10:23 pagi  (KAK NGAH)

"W/pun demam, tetap tdo penuh b'gaya.. :-) "

Isnin, 21/11/11, 12:09 tengahari  (AKU)

"Bila rsult scan dia kuar?  Ni yg nk blk ni.  Tp byk keje :'( "

Isnin, 21/11/11, 12:35 tengahari  (KAK NGAH)

"Rabu ni nk g jmp Dr lg..discuss hasil scan..kalau rasa2 keje xleh siap, byk masa t'buang kt jln..xpyh la blk dulu..nnt keje xsettle, lg gelabah xtenang nk study"

*menangisssss lagi !*

Ada sesiapa faham perasaan aku sekarang?  Oh jeritan batinku .



Ps.  Aku kena saman sebab memarkir kenderaan di kawasan larangan iaitu parkir staf walaupun tak sampai 45 minit.  Ok yang ini aku tak nak nangis.


 

Lelaki .

 
Kaum yang satu ini kalau sejak azali memang dah gatal mengada dah tentu dengan orang  (BACA:  perempuan) lain pun sama.  Kan?  Tengok saja cara layanan pada kita.  Bodoh, bodoh sendiri senang percaya.

Ps.  Perempuan pun lebih kurang saja.

 

This eid.

 

Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir Batin.

Ps.  Bersabarlah yang membenci.  8 hari lagi aku pergi

  

   

Stop stalking .

Nurdiyanah binti Md Yunus,

PLEASE STOP STALKING PLEASE STOP STALKING PLEASE STOP STALKING PLEASE STOP STALKING PLEASE STOP STALKING PLEASE STOP STALKING PLEASE STOP STALKING PLEASE STOP STALKING PLEASE STOP STALKING PLEASE STOP STALKING PRETTY PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE AND STOP FEELING SO ENVIOUS AND JEALOUS OF OTHER COUPLES STOP FEELING SO ENVIOUS AND JEALOUS OF OTHER COUPLES STOP FEELING SO ENVIOUS AND JEALOUS OF OTHER COUPLES STOP FEELING SO ENVIOUS AND JEALOUS OF OTHER COUPLES STOP FEELING SO ENVIOUS AND JEALOUS OF OTHER COUPLES STOP FEELING SO ENVIOUS AND JEALOUS OF OTHER COUPLES PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE !

IT'S NOT OKAY EVEN IF IT'S YOU BOYFRIEND'S PROFILE NO NO NO NO NO NO IT'S NOT OKAY AND STOP FEELING INSECURE WHEN HE'S BEING NICE TO OTHER WOMAN PLEASE STOP FEELING INSECURE STOP FEELING INSECURE STOP FEELING INSECURE STOP FEELING INSECURE STOP FEELING INSECURE STOP FEELING INSECURE STOP FEELING INSECURE STOP FEELING INSECURE STOP FEELING INSECURE STOP FEELING INSECURE STOP STOP STOP !

Source:  Google.

Oh but wait, it's socially acceptable~  Let me just view that profile one more time.

ARGHHHH !  NO NO NO !

Ok, the couples?  They are just a bunch of show-offs.  They like to get attention.  They feel proud when people know they are currently in a relationship.  They like it when people compliment their loving attitude towards one another.  Usually those kinds of relationship won't last, God forbid.  

It's better not to announce your uncertain relationship to everyone.  We do not know what's ahead of us.  Whether that person is our other half or soul mate or significant other or not, we just never know.  I'll just have to keep reminding this to myself too.  

My boyfriend?  Oh well maybe she's just his old school mate or something.  And that he's just sharing his opinion.  Or he's just being polite.  And that I have to remember that he's a very friendly person.  Or he likes that woman.  Or his feelings changed.  Or he found someone new.  Or he got tired and bored with me.  Or he doesn't feel that I'm important to him anymore.  

NO DIYANAH NO !  STOP TAKING THINGS SO NEGATIVELY STOP STOP STOP !  HE LOVES YOU (yeah right) WITH ALL HIS HEART !  HE WON'T GO TO SOMEONE ELSE NO NO HE WON'T NOT EVEN AFTER YOU GUYS ARE MARRIED !  HE'LL LOVE YOU TILL DEATH DO BOTH OF YOU PART !  

Hmm, okay.  As if.

Next time someone asks me why did I stalk his / her profile:

Hehe ;)
Source:  Google.

  

I really have to stop doing it.  Have to

  

Hati.

 
   

Hati sering dipijak berkecai jua.

Dibuat tak endah merajuk dia.

Jangan berbaik bila perlukan.

Dibuang bila sendiri tak keruan.

Usah dituduh dia bersalah.

Saat dia mula mengalah.

Jangan berpanjangan kau begitu.

Dia berubah tak siapa tahu.

Pandai-pandai menjaga hati.

Hati orang, hati sendiri.

 
Ps.  Hormat, sangat penting.  Bersabarlah hati


   

Invisible.

 

I take these pills to make me thin I dye my hair, and cut my skin I tried everything, to make them see me But all they see, is someone that's not me

Even when I'm walking on barb wire Even when I sat myself on fire Why do I always feel invisible, invisible Everyday I try to lock my past Even though inside I'm such a mess Why do I always feel invisible, invisible

Here inside, my quiet heart You cannot hear, my cries for help I tried everything, to make them see me But every one, sees what I can't be 

Sometimes when I'm alone I pretend that I'm a queen It's almost believable

 

Skylar Grey - Invisible.

. . . .

 

   

Kau pijak maruah diriku, kau langkah egoku, kau tendang tepi rasa hormat terhadapku, kau hina diriku, kau uji kesabaranku, kau paparkan seakan teruknya aku, kau layan aku bagaikan aku tiada perasaan.

 

Allah itu adil saudaraku, kerana iman di dada, aku masih bertahan.  Kerana penilaianmu terhadapku, tiada tandingan dengan penilaian Allah kekasih sejatiku. Kerana itu aku tutup mata, telankan sahaja.

- A Facebook Friend, Fatima Zul.

 

Well said o' friend.

 

 

 

Hey there loser LLL

 
Okay aku masak gila suck tak sedap dah tak nak masak sampai bila-bila!  Need to find something else I can be good at other than sleeping & eating.

 

No Life is Like The Other.

 
Tipu kalau orang kata all it takes for you to achieve something is to believe in yourself, confident dengan diri sendiri blah blah blah it's all about YOU having trust in YOU. 


Seriously that's a complete lie.  Little that they know the loved ones play most important role in supporting whatever you do.  Even when you believe hard in something you know you can succeed in, you know you can at least try, you know you can gain knowledge & experience from it, YOU could not make it happen because YOU take your loved ones' opinions way into consideration.  You ended up trying to make what your loved ones want to happen rather than accomplishing what's more important to you.


Not receiving acknowledgement in things you do or good at or really love would actually make you have doubts in yourself.  Makes you feel worthless.  Makes you feel underestimated.  And in the end, makes you have no more guts do anything at all.  Getting scold at even demotivates you, in every way.


Getting my point here?  No?  Never mind, no life's like the other.

  

Note to Self. again

 
   
Selagi belum nikah jangan nak ngada-ngada tunjuk dia lah nyawa dia lah raga sayang sangat la konon-kononnya.  Bila dia dah bosan dia tak tunggu lama dia blah dia jalan.  Ok?



   

By day ?

  
Nothing can prove how unhealthy and boring my life is other than the fact that I eat due to boredom & sleep 'cause I got (read:  WANT) nothing else better to do.

Well at least that's after I refused to mention about my mood swings & thinking what the heck, I got nothing to lose if I just tell anyway !

Ergh, this is boring !  And I can't stop myself from blaming the swings.  My throat hurt due to constant coughing I guess.  It's killing me even to swallow plain water.  Minor nose bleed occurred earlier this evening, really hates the smell of blood these days.  Not that I've always loved it before, but . . . you got me, don't ya?  Whatever.


Thought of starting a healthy diet but failed in every try.  I almost cried seeing my pictures 1 to 4 years back.  If I felt over sized back then, so what am I now?  A humongous monster?!  T_T

I had Nasi Beriyani + Ayam Madu from Restoran Khalifah for lunch today.  So I thought it should last until tomorrow (eheh, which I, myself doubt) & I'll just eat something light (read:  LESS CARB) for dinner.  That's only what I THOUGHT.  I got hungry by 10 p.m. & also was too bored & couldn't find something more beneficial of my interest to do.

So, I decided to eat by first, raiding the kitchen !

- - - - - - - - - -


I want you to know that I had the most sincere intention.  I reminded myself constantly of my target to lose some weight.  That's good right?  At least sincere & good intentions count.

However, my Sir Y messed up my mood for he couldn't leave early yet AGAIN from his office today.  Most likely would spend another one of his nights sleeping (read:  NAPPING) in his office, precisely only in his small workstation.  Not that he would come home to me anyway, but still, it would be nice to talk on the phone getting ready for bed at the same time.

Nevermind that.  All I am trying to say, my mood swung abruptly because of that.  Drama queen much?  Yeah, I know.  Teehee~  Went into the kitchen & found mum doing some cleaning.  She told me there are still a number of polystyrene of Nasi Beriyani left & just as you can tell, I ate it.

Not in full portion but yes, I ate it.

Not that I felt good about it but yes, I ate it.

Some time after 10, I ate high carb food & screwed my so-planned healthy diet.  It's not like I was THAT hungry !  If you know what I mean.  I was just feeling like eating something good, something to chew on just to pass the time.  Instead of spreading some mixed fruit jam on the bread, I chose to be fat & eat the Nasi Beriyani.  And no, I don't need anyone else to remind me how fat I got by day, I can tell that to my self.  How pathetic.

Nasi Beriyani with Ayam Madu & Sirap Cincau.

Apple for dessert. 

Please someone hire me with good pay !  Pleaseeee, I promise I'll work hard :(
I don't wanna rot obese-ly at home !  I wanna have some good office work related experiences.

I don't wanna be the lazy-ass, fat me ever again !  Please >.<


Ps.  I even wrote this entry due to boredom & planned its contents while I was having dinner with Home Alone 2 on.

Bummer.

 
So . . . .
I must admit that my current lifestyle is waaaaaaay too unhealthy. 
I eat too much, shouts a lot, no exercises, none outings planned, bad sleeping routine etc. etc. just name it.

I need to be more productive.
But somehow, even when I'm always thinking about making change,
I'll still end up looking like this:

Fake fake fake -_-"

Lazy looking, paled skin, unhealthy woman wearing perfectly fake smile with sad & swollen pair of eyes.

Luckily the nose bleeds stopped.
Or else I may end up looking like a horrible fat zombie >.<

Yeay!  You stopped!  For good, I hope.

Till then :)  Pray I'll find something better to do, instead of just moaning all day long.